Life

Today started out as any normal day, the hustle and bustle of getting 3 kids fed and dressed, 2 ready for school, and 1 mom ready to work out. We drove Kaleb across town to Pima Butte and he whistled the whole way, asking D what tune he was whistling. I should really turn the radio off more. Whistling is something my grandma and I do somewhat subconsciously when we're happy, and it was special to me that we seem to have passed it on to him. I called her and shared the news when I got home.

After working out, dropping Dylan off at preschool, eating a banana and starting the laundry, Ruby wanted to take a shower with me. What Ruby wants, Ruby gets, so in she came.  She loves it when I hold her up high and she opens her mouth filling it up with water. The sound of the shower washing over me, and my baby girl holding me just so tight as we swayed back and forth, was really a moment.  I'm sooooooooo grateful I have a daughter I thought, and just loved our time getting ready for the day together.

Ben seems to be feeling better today. I can see a noticeable difference in the way he's getting around.  He's also not taking his pain medication as frequently. We sat together, just the two of us in the middle of the morning, and talked about how we survived the summer and how ready we are to be closing this chapter of our lives. Giorgia and her mom leave tomorrow, and then it will be just the 5MURDOX again. We're both ready to move on and get back to normal. Whatever that is.

Then after lunch and putting Ruby & Ben down for naps, it was Dylan time. We did homework together, then played games.  Lots of them!  He loves it when we play Candyland and put real candy on the board. Today it was Reese's Pieces.  He accused me of cheating (me?!?), ate any candy that he "accidentally" touched with his blue gingerbread man, and crinkled up his nose when I'd give him mine. He won & ate the pot of the end of the rainbow. He beat me at Chutes & Ladders, too, then decided to give me two big koala hugs & kisses to make me feel better after losing to him two times. After those sweet lovies, I relented and agreed to play MarioKart with him. He's getting lots better!

On my way to pick up Kaleb, I called my mom to tell her the dates of K's fall break so she can come for a visit.  My dad answered so we talked for 20 minutes, Mom was laying down, Dad said. Before we hung up the phone, he said to wait, she wanted to talk to me. Hi, Sary, how's my girl? She didn't sound quite right, but I knew she'd been sleeping. Good, how are you? Not so good. We found out today I have cancer.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."


I've only told Ben so far, and now I guess I've told you, whoever that might be. I can't really talk about it. We don't know how serious it is, but we will know more on Tues. We do know that breast cancer is very survivable, are hopeful that we caught it early and it hasn't spread to her lymph nodes. We are fasting for my mom this Sunday if you'd like to join us.

Never has there ever been a time when I've wanted to live home (meaning Oregon) than now. I feel so useless here. I should be with my mom and I'm not. My brothers are, well boys, my dad is the least sensitive man on earth....love him, but he is, my mom's not telling her mom because she thinks she's one nervous breakdown from losing her, and her sister isn't really talking to either of us right now. I am my mom's only daughter, I am her best friend, and I should be there.  

My heart hurts.